Wednesday
Mar192014

La LA Land

 

Your Big City Siren is a weird new city.  Well, I did it.  I left New York for a while.  I’m not going to say leaving my beloved New York was easy.  The thought of my exit was paralyzing to me. I made my friends hang out with me every possible free second they had, I stopped drinking knowing just one whiskey would send me into the downward spiral of the century, I packed up my apartment, did one last game of tequila BINGO at Tortilla Flats, and I got out of dodge.  And my little dog too. 

My thoughts and feelings of New York the past year were kind of like how I started to feel at the end of my last relationship.  We’d hit a wall.  We were doing the same thing over and over and while sometimes it felt right and good…. something had to change.  I was having a hard time finding the change with the lover that I had (or New York) so I knew if I didn’t get out now, I’d never do it.  So I turned 30, cut my hair off, and moved across the country fully in denial and with every plan to come back to New York ASAP.  (Don’t worry, I kept my rent stabilized apartment and I didn't pull a Britney) 

Saying I left NY kicking and screaming would be a understatement. When I took off from JFK, we flew over the Empire State Building, Lady Liberty, and Central Park.  I had this cartoon vision of me literally jumping out of the plane and letting little pieces of Lindsey fly over all the dumb tourists and horse and carriages.  They shouldn’t be there anyway! Did Blasio get rid of them?! See, I’m not there so I don’t know!

Before my move to LA, I made a 2 week pit stop to FL to take of some family matters,  (Urkle says hi and also, “Did I do that?”) and two weeks later, I arrived in La La land… the land of…. home to…  I arrived in LA.

I gained 6 pounds right away.  No change in diet AND I haven’t been drinking.  Is it grieving weight? Is god telling me he wants me back in NY so he’s going to make me the fattest one? I don’t know.  My friend Nicole told me to look for the signs that I made the right move… So, my first week my subletter in NY bailed on me and I instantly lost $2,000, my ceiling in my bathroom caved in, I had 3 interviews for a waitressing position and didn’t get it, and I’m fat.  I’ve decided to not look for the signs and just try to live.

Listen, LA is no New York. It doesn’t compare. And that’s just it … it’s so different you simply cannot compare.  LA is fine.  I don’t dislike it.  I dislike driving.  Despise it.  I will go down in history as the girl who walks in LA.  I can’t parallel park, I have to wear my glasses at night, and I can’t park on hills because it scares me.  Who am I?

LA is a place where you can see a Hasidic Jewess with fake tits (I know because I saw it), you can drink a green smoothie everyday (And then walk around with Kale in your teeth all day), and there’s avocado on EVERYTHING. The homeless are well-dressed, entitled, and also a bit aggressive. I’ve seen a few of them with I-Phones. LA is a place where even the fat people are in shape. Seriously, I’ve never seen ANYTHING like it.  Everyone has a spray tan, “cold” is 70 degrees, the roads are shit, the highways are insane, the hiking is a scene, the weather is amazing.

In the month I’ve been here, I’ve met Doogie Howser and Zack Morris, I landed a gig as a receptionist on a TV show (I’m not a receptionist, I just play one on TV), I got an agent, I’m working semi-consistently, eating lots of craft service because I’m broke, I go on hike dates, when people talk about swells I pretend like I know what they’re talking about, I went to a bikini competition (Don't worry, I did not compete), I got paid to sit on Malibu beach with the stoner from Clueless, had late-night In-N-Out Burger, I grocery shop at Ralphs or Von’s, and I got a ticket for being on my phone while driving.

While I’m still a fish out of water, every day gets a little better. I never realized how much of an east coaster I am until I got here.  I’ll find my groove, I know.  I’ll find my friends and family here, I know.  I have had people out here hold me up and completely take care of me, while others have done the “LA-flake” on me for sure.  But the people are nice here, and “The weather and the quality of life” is not too shabby either.  People like to say that here. “The weather and the quality of life”.  It makes me laugh. I just need to find my coffee shop, my dog park, my Vietnamese place for summer rolls, my bodega, my gym, my perfect-for-me apartment in my perfect-for-me hood.  All those little life things that I had back home that made me feel like a person.   

Listen up New York.  I’ll be back and soon. I’ll come stay inside of you this summer for a little while and we’ll go to Shake Shack and wait in line for burgers, see some plays, lay in Central Park or Madison Square park, take a train to go to a beach, run on the West Side Highway, see some outdoor movies, we’ll have brunch with endless bloody marys, hang out with all my lovely neighbors, drink wine on good friend’s couches when we are too hot to go outside, picnic on the highline, take a stroll on the Lower East Side, hang out with my deli guys, see some music at Rockwood, drink too many whiskeys and dance at LIT lounge.  Now THAT’S my kind of “Quality of life”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday
Jan032014

Another Love Letter to NYC

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the urge to write. Maybe it’s the snow storm or how freaking cold it is outside.  Maybe it’s because in a few days, I’m leaving NY for a while.  Maybe because some idiot I went on a few dates with texted me last night saying that I was lazy because I haven’t written or come out with a new Kelly and Lindsey Episode in a while.  Yes, you got me. I’m lazy.  So after I worked outside in 15 degree weather in the aftermath of a “Blizzard”, then worked out at the gym, I had planned to come home and work out a little more.  But I keep thinking about this douche calling me lazy, so I decided to write instead.  In a way, he’s right.  I’ve been lazy when it comes to writing on Big City Siren, which don’t forget I started because I thought my ex-boyfriend was an idiot.  So here I am, years later, sitting on a new couch, but still writing because some idiot I’ve made out with inspired me to do so.  What does this say about me? I am not sure.  (BTW: When you go out with a girl a few times, and you are invited back to her place for the first time for a little make out session, you don’t go from zero to anal is .03 seconds.  I don’t know if that’s how they do things in Ireland, but that isn’t how we do it here, honey. Aren’t you glad you texted? How’s the gigging going?)

This is a post I’ve been putting off for a while.  Dropping hints here and there about a move across the country to LA.  I guess I’ve been in complete denial about the move, and I still don’t really have a solid plan. I truly hope to be a back and forth person between LA and NYC.  I love NY.  I am not ready to leave, and that’s why I am doing it.  If I don’t pick up and leave for a while, I’m never going to and the reality is, I’ve been unhappy for a while now and it’s time for a Lindsey adventure.  I’ve been stuck.  Stuck in the same routines, stuck when it comes to men, my social life, and I know I’m ready for a change. I don’t love LA but it makes the most sense, and I am hoping maybe I will love it. Or at least make myself love it. So I have a one way ticket and I’m bringing my dog.  

I have had a lot of success in New York.  I’ve written a few shows and somehow got people to not only see them, but to buy tickets to them. The New York Times took me mini golfing and wrote about my comedy. I found a job that let me travel and live a comfortable life in NYC. I’ve done thousands of Gossip Girl and Sex and the City tours. I’ve become great friends with my deli guys. I produced a five-episode web series.  I met my life partner, Kelly and created an empire that will continue.  (Yes, she is coming too. She’s is right behind me). I have fallen in love a few times. One of those times was really really good...swoon. I found an awesome apartment that I will NEVER get rid of. I have the most amazing neighbors who are seriously family. I found Cafe Forant, my place where everyone knows my name. I’ve made some friends who have really kept me together after all these years. I bonded with my sister, as adults and I don’t think I am just the annoying little sister anymore (I am totally still the annoying little sister).  I feel like in some ways, I made NY my bitch, and in other ways, it made me NY’s bitch.

NYC, I’ll be back.  Maybe in a month, six months, a year, or five.  Who knows. But you are the best/worse city in the world and you have my heart.

* The picture attached is my family at the best restaurant in New York.  Go there.  

 

 

 

Tuesday
Dec172013

Oliver the Dog's Brilliant Celebrity Impressions

Those of you who know my dog Oliver, know that not only is he the star of the web series, Kelly and Lindsey DO New York, but he also does brilliant celebrity impressions.  Here are some of his best impressions:

Falcor from The NeverEnding Story:

falcoreunnamed-3

 

Max the Dog from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas:

Max_the_little_dog_of_the_grinch-1oli 9

 

Sir Didymus from Labyrinth:

unnamed-1photo (37)

 

A Who from Whoville:

6a00e5536b8b4188330111689cc4ea970coliver's commercial headshot

 

The Nothing from The NeverEnding Story:

the-nothing-from-the-neverending-story541865_10151223997937285_913191326_n

 

Donald Sutherland:

Donald_Sutherlandoliver's legit headshot

and...

David Hasselhoff during his infamous cheeseburger incident:

hasselhoff-cheeseburger1photo (38)

 

 

 

Sunday
Oct062013

Single's Week is Stupid

photo (31)

Did last week seem a little lonelier than usual?  Did you have an awesome week hanging with your girl friends and trolling for dudes with popped collars?  Did you see that woman screaming on the subway that she wanted to die?  If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you may have put together that last week was "Single's Week".  

Yes, that's right. According to some of my single friends on Facebook, last week was Single's Week, and both Facebook and my single lady friends are NEVER wrong.  Except for my friend who went home with a 24 year old DJ and woke up with a suprise on her.... never mind.  Sometimes my single friends are wrong.  

Did you celebrate Single's Week?  I did. I celebrated it by performing my most single behavior which includes but is not limited to: Eating a cup cake for dinner, going out to eat with a couple and being the third wheel, three times, getting stood up by a dude on Saturday night, and pooping while blow-drying my hair. Pooping while blow-drying my hair is probably my most single behavior.  Sometimes I'm in a rush. 

My friends on FB expected me to "Girl Power" all over Single's Week's face because I am a strong, independent, single lady, but let's be real.  If you ASK any of my single friends, they will tell you they are either looking for or at least interested in companionship.  Sorry if I'm being negative.  But it's true.  So I guess my point is that I don't celebrate "I'm Hungry, and I'd like a Piece of Pizza and There isn't any here in my Apartment Week". So, I'm not sure why I would celebrate Singl'e Week.  It makes sense in my head.

I'll be real.  I am not necessarily looking for anyone or really doing a good job putting myself out there, unless trolling on OK Cupid counts, (I. Can't. Stop. Looking), but I am interested in the idea of being in a realtionship. Just like I am interested in eating pizza, but I don't feel like going to the pizza place a few doors down.  

I will think positively for a minute, (but just a minute so you better read this next part in under a minute), and say this:  celebrating being single is a good reminder of why you aren't dating the last idiot you dated, or the two idiots before. (Sorry idiot #1,2, and 3 but stop reading my blog is you don't like it). It's also a good reminder that dating someone because they make an epic sandwich, does not a relationship make. The sandwich, while delicious, does not make up for the fact that HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.  I repeat, he just makes a great sandwich.  You can make your own sandwich without him.  You can't date someone for their sandwiches, great body, the fact that they like Breaking Bad or that they can play the Ukulele.  It's just not good enough for you.  

I am a CATCH.  (See picture below)

photo (32)

Single's Week is a reminder that when you are single you are thinner, you don't have to listen to some dude snore in your ear, and you don't have to be so concerned about another person, and you can focus on yourself. 

I think I have really grown up this past little stretch that I've been single.  I know my worth, which unfortunately a year ago, I knew my worth but didn't honor it.  I got stirred up in the pretty lights.  I dated someone for the heck of it while still thinking about and not being over someone else, and that's confusing and damaging for everyone involved.  I also cared more about them and their feelings than I did myself. Each man in my life has taught me a lesson about myself.  Shown me my major weaknesses, so I do think heartbreak, and disappointment, and singledom is extremely important.  

So this is no "Pity Party, Party of 1".  This is also not a Girl Power blog entry.  It's something in the middle. So now leave me alone and stop reminding me that I'm single.  I'm going to go watch The Real Housewives, eat chocolate, fart and rub my belly... alone.  Actually, I have one man in my life that will be joining me and he has a huge wang and that's all I really need. Not his wang, but him. You may know him, his name is Oliver.

Ps. Do you guys think I'm going to go have sex with my dog? While he has a huge wang, I'm not going to touch it or anything.  Just shut up.  And happy late Single's Week.

Pss.  Did you guys notice that I still haven't written about moving to LA because I am totally in denial.  Just give me time okay.  Stop pressuring me.

Pps.  You look really great in that outfit.  Are you single?

photo (33)

 

 

Monday
Sep302013

My Latest OK Cupid Conquest

In the past month I've been to Chicago, North Carolina, and California. I've done two keg stands, got married in a backyard in Culver City and exchanged vowels (now vows, vowels), I temporarily moved to Brooklyn, and I'm moving to LA.  WHAT!? Different blog, different day.  I promise we will get to it.  I am still in denial, and I am not ready to write about it... LIFE CHANGES.

I still have a few months left in NYC and I want to make them count, so I've decided to get my NYC sexy on by hitting up some true gentlemen on OK Cupid.  Looks like it's going to be a very busy three months.  Here are the eligible bastards I've found so far:

image_2 image_1

image_5image_4

image_3image

Monday
Aug262013

Why Chicago is Cooler than New York

 

1149721_10100963419202097_541671245_oam a huge New York fan. I have lived in this city for about 8 years and I still really, really love it and I know that there is no place like it. Usually when I travel I think, "this place is cool, but I miss New York”. This week I went to visit one of my favorite people in the world in a city I had never been to before: Chicago. Chicago, you have stolen my heart.

You are clean: When getting off the plane, I had to pee.  My stall was immaculate and the toilet was one of those fancy toilets that cleans itself after you use it. (In NY, you can only find this in Bryant park).  Okay Chicago, I get it.  I’m not even out of the airport and I already know that you’re cleaner than us.  I was there for four days and I saw three pieces of trash. Three. In New York, you can maybe find three inches of sidewalk where there isn't a piece of garbage.

Better transportation:

Cabs: I like a city that you don’t need a car.  Anywhere you need to go in Chicago is $10 in a cab. Seriously. I took a taxi during rush hour across town and it was still $10.  

Subway: Their trains are mostly above ground so you can use your phones while riding and NO ONE was being an asshole about it.  I didn’t hear one person on their phone the entire time that I rode the train.  (I also didn’t smell a hint of urine in the train station or see one piece of trash. See You are clean above).

 

photo (26)

The Married With Children Fountain.

Food: Deep dish, ehhhh.  Sorry Chicago, but New York, you win Best Pizza but damn, those Chi-town hot dogs are perfect.  That peeper, the mustard, the poppy seeds...New York, your dogs don’t hold a candle.

Night life: We got a table to eat a delicious meal in a trendy part of town on a Saturday night with NO wait and NO reservation.  Beat that, New York.  

Rent: My friend pays what I pay in rent and has a big one bedroom, with a balcony and a backyard.  I have a studio apartment with no sunlight, a meth-dealer neighbor, and mice.  


1185165_10151870894602028_484257871_n 

They have Wrigley Field.  

The Men: The men there are Midwestern Gentlemen.  They were cute, laid back, tall and cornfed.  Our men are stressed out, short, and complete assholes.

Lake Michigan: There is literally a beach in the middle of their city.  You don’t have to take the subway and a train to see a body of water that you can actually swim in.  And no, the Hudson River doesn’t count. If you swam in there you'd grow a few extra eyes and flippers.

Chicago has everything New York has: the theatre, the comedy, the food, the music but it’s smaller, and there are less people so you can actually enjoy it. I am serious, I have NEVER gone on vacation and thought I could live in a place tomorrow.  Chicago, you have me…. New York, I’m sorry.  


*** Disclaimer: Right now I have bed bugs.  Please check back in with me when this is cleared up to see if I still feel the same****

 

Wednesday
Jul172013

Pigeon Parade- Special Slop Edition

photo (10)I have lived in the same building for years now, and there is a corner down the street from my apartment that always has some sort of slop thrown on it.  Yes, slop.  It's the only way to describe it. Said slop infuriates me because it smells, it's slippery, and my dog wants to eat it. I have wondered for years, as I have to angrily drag my dog away from what looks like left over Chinese, or wet bread, or whatever else kind of crap is there, who would do this!? Who is throwing SLOP on the sidewalk? I have made speculations in the past as to which neighbor would do such a thing, but I've been searching for years, and I have never found a culprit.  Until now. While walking Oliver the dog the other day, I saw an old man walking down the street with a paper bag filled with something... could it be the slop that has haunted my hood for years?  I followed him, and sure enough...  it was this old man.  Not only did he throw the food, (which happened to only be bread this time) he sat there and watched in glee with this horrific smile on his face as the pigeons chowed down.  As you can see from the video, the worst part about the slop is that creates a pigeon parade on my own block.  And if you know me at all, you know how I feel about pigeons.