Ahhhhh vacation. Time off to spend with your loved ones, beach, sun, daytime drinking... Sounds like a typical vacation, right? Not if you're a Gentile.
This week I headed to Florida with my family to go to a very good friends wedding. My sister and I flew to Miami and my parents picked us up and we headed to the wedding destination, Key West. Key West is only a few hours from Miami, but because my dad is Clark Griswold, we had to stop at the restaurant with the BEST conch in Florida, Shell World, and any other place that sold pointless knick Knacks or had the best something of some place. When we arrived to our Marriott Hotel in Key West is was around midnight and we must have been in the car for over 8 hours. That's how we roll.
We stumbled out of the car exhausted and ready for bed, and checked in and went to the room. There were five of us, so my mom booked us a lovely suite overlooking the kidney shaped pool. When we opened the door, we were hit with an overwhelming smell of some sort of cleaning supply. I went over to the curtains on the sliding glass door to crack them open to help with the smell and I noticed an interesting decoration. It looked like little squiggles all over the curtains, and as I looked closer I realized, these were not little squiggly decorations, these were bugs. Hundreds of bugs all over the curtains. That smell was bug spray.
We called the front desk, now it was 1 am, and they came over to check out the situation. The night manager, a bumbling idiot, told us he had never seen such bugs before and the 20 year old maintenance kid who clearly hates his job blurted out , "they are termites, they come through the AC unit". Right. You've never seen them before. Idiots. They were completely sold out for the night, and the only room they had available was a room they called, "The Cave" which was a room that they stuck family and friends in. A small room with two double beds and no windows. So we had no choice for the night. We checked, everything else was sold out, and this seemed to be our only option in the area. So there we were, the Griswolds. Mom and dad in one bed, and Me, my sister and my brother (who is 6 foot) in the other. Kill us now.
We "slept" for a few hours, and then we woke up early the next norning to talk to the manager and find another option for the next night's sleep. They apologized profusely the next morning, and hooked us up with the nicest suite they had. Let the vacation begin!
All was well that day. My parents and I went day drinking and bar hopping all over Key West and my little brother came to join us. We went to the beautiful rehearsal dinner on a booze cruise, and returned home a little drunk, VERY tired, and ready to pass out. We got ready for bed, and we were all resting our heads in our new beautiful room, almost asleep when my brother came in our room to pee. He flipped on the lights and it was then that we saw the most horrific sight of all. HUNDREDS of flying termites swarming the room. All over. In the bathroom, the kitchen, above our beds, ON our beds. EVERYWHERE. And wings, wings everywhere. Apparently they shed their wings, which may be even grosser than the actual termites.
We sprung out of our beds, and went into the other room, the living room with the pull out couch and there were only a few in that room. So we collected couch cushions, pillows, blankets and sheets, and five of us took turns between the pull out couch and sleeping on the floor. Some vacation.
The next morning the manager told us she never had one family stay in two different rooms and have the same termite problem and suggested that maybe we had done something to bring the termites in. Right lady, we brought termites in our purses for a free night. WTF. When the manager refused to come up and see the room and our new termite friends, my dad gave her his card and said, "Here's my card. I hope you do the right thing. If I don't hear from you, you'll hear from me whith a vengeance." Yup, with a vengeance. We packed up our stuff, and headed to a new hotel. Fuck the Marriott.
When we booked this trip my sister and I booked an extra day just in case drama went down and we needed one more day of beach time. Well we certainly needed it. Turns out our one more beach day was 60 degrees and pouring rain, and it was 75 and sunny in New York. So, that's what its like vacationing with the Gentiles. You are invited anytime to vacation with us and I can promise you that there is NEVER a dull moment.
Friday, May 24, 2013 at 5:39PM 
When I was younger I auditioned for the Nickelodeon show ALL THAT. I was called back a few times and my dad and I had to drive back and forth to Orlando for the final callbacks. They made us write our own material, and I must have been ten years old at the time. For part of my act, I wrote a parody of the song "I'm too Sexy" and sang and acted it as an old 80 year old Jewish lady. "Oy, I'm too sexy for my cane, too sexy for my cane, I'm sorry to complain..." you get the point. (As you read this, please sing that last sentence in your best old lady Jew voice to get the full effect. I swear it's funny.)
