Oh man, I went on the MOTHER LOAD of dates this weekend. This date really confirmed my “men are absolutely crazy” theory.
Super bowl Sunday I went to a very good friend’s Super bowl party at a bar in my neighborhood. It was perfect, we had the entire downstairs of the bar to ourselves and it was a really cool vibe, couches everywhere, really chill, and a good crowd of cute, straight men, most who I had never met before. I invited some friends, and I didn’t care about the game necessarily, I just wanted to drink some whiskey with some cute boys, and watch Beyonce shake her perfect booty.
When I arrived, I ran into a guy that I had a met a long time ago through the friend who invited me to the party. I was happy to see him because the last time I had met him, I thought he was cute, and he had tattoos. I like tattoos. I moseyed on over to him to say hello and I felt like we really hit it off. He was complimentary, made eye contact, and spoke English. Things were looking great. Throughout the course of the night, he told me he loved my eyes, and that I was sexy. So that was cool, and I was totally interested in seeing him again.
We planned a tentative date for this past weekend. I had my parents in town, my best friend was in from DC for the night and I had a few birthdays I had to hit up all in the same night, so I knew it might be difficult to see him. I knew he was downtown, where I had to end up anyway, so when the second birthday party was a bust due to a huge line around the corner to get in, I called him to make the drink happen.
Here is where the fun really began:
He picked the LOUDEST bar in the East Village to meet up. When I got there, I was already regretting it. I had been to the place before, but for some reason, it was douche bag with bad hearing night and it was loud and very crowded. I got myself a drink and waited for him… for 20 minutes. In those 20 minutes, I was already obsessing over the fact that I left my parents back at my apartment, left my good friends at the first birthday party, and now the third birthday party was happening without me.
He showed up and sat down next to me. Apparently he knew everyone that worked there and the first 10 minutes, he spent way more time talking to the bartender and his buddies then to me. I was already not feeling it. I couldn’t even hear anything he said because it was so damn loud in the bar. What? I’m getting old.
His friend left, and I thought “alright, we’re alone now, let’s just go with this”.
I had just ordered my second drink when he asked me a little bit about what I’m up to, and what my life looks like. I think he let me speak for 5 seconds, when he said, “I am phenomenal at 3 things”. “Phenomenal?” I asked. That’s a ballsy word. You’re phenomenal at 3 things? I am good at many things about phenomenal…. That’s huge…
“Okay tell me, kind sir, what are you phenomenal at?”
“One. Sports. I can play ANY sport. ANY.”
“And you’re phenomenal at them?” I asked. I mean, if you are phenomenal at something, you’re famous… the BEST, Better than anyone else…
“Any sport”, he continues… “Except tennis”.
Better work on your backhand. Does that make sense? I said that. I don’t know anything about sports.
“Two. Dancing… I’m phenomenal at dancing”….
What kind of dancing? Ballroom, the tootsie roll? Please, tell me more.
“And the third thing I’m phenomenal at is…drum roll please….Eating pussy”.
Wait, I know it’s loud in this bar…. But you heard that correctly. EATING PUSSY.
If the bar wasn’t so fucking loud, you could’ve heard my ice melt in my Makers Mark. I died. I died. I died. Guys, I’m 2 drinks in and he’s telling me he’s phenomenal at eating pussy. Wow. What a douche.
If I am phenomenal at something I want people to recognize it in me, not scream it myself from the rooftops. I am confident… I own when I am awesome at something… but I seriously cant name one thing that I am phenomenal at… And I am absolutely fine with that. If that’s what phenomenal looks like, I don’t want to be it.
But it doesn’t end there.
Then, and I’m only half way done with my second drink, and it’s 20 seconds after the eating pussy line, he turns to me and asks, “can I be really honest with you about something” . He looks VERY serious
I’m thinking… what? You have no penis… your mom dropped you as a small child and that is why you’re such a dick… tell me please ANYTHING… ANYTHING is better then you just telling me 30 minutes into a “first date” that you are phenomenal at eating pussy.
“I have a girlfriend”
All my energy dropped from my face, and probably from my vagina.
“They why are you here?” Why are you WASTING MY SATURDAY NIGHT?
“I have a girlfriend and I feel myself holding back… I can’t be myself. I’m sorry”
You can’t be yourself?? What else would you have said if you didn’t have a girlfriend!?
Then he proceeds to tell me that he’s in his head about it, he knows she isn’t the one, he’s really into me… blah blah blah…
I just downed my drink, said, “hey I am going to use the restroom and then i'm going to leave”
“Really? Why? “ He asked… like he was surprised that I wanted to leave…
And I just looked him and said, “ If I was your girlfriend I’d kick your ass”.
“But we vibe, I think your cool”…
“I’m not looking for new friends”…
I peed, and laughed a little while squatting in the disgusting New York City bathroom with only half a door so the whole bar could probably see me pee… He probably saw me pee.
He walked me out, I wished he wouldn’t…. he tried to help me get a cab… I wished he wouldn’t … and I looked at him and said,
“Hey, I had a great time… talk to you REALLY soon”
Listen, I don’t care that he had a girlfriend, I don’t care that he gained a little weight since the last time I saw him (it's winter, I get it), I don’t care that he is not cool enough to be such a dick, but I did care that he wasted my time.
On my way home, I texted my mom to see if they were still up.
“Yes, we are watching videos of people doing the Harlem shake on YouTube”
“Perfect. I’ll be right home”.
My night ended in my tiny little studio apartment with my mom, dad, sister, and dog all hysterically laughing about the three things he was phenomenal at… well Oliver wasn’t laughing, but I could see in his eyes that he thought it was ridiculous.
Then we did the Harlem Shake.
OK Cupid is a weird, weird thing. I have been on three dates so far. All of them, aliens. Maybe I'm the alien. What I have learned so far: You know you have chemistry with someone within 20 seconds, men aren't great listeners, and the worst thing about going on a bad date is when you are ready to go, ready to run out the door, and your date orders ANOTHER drink. I have only had one awesome date since I've been on OK CUPID and it's because I left after two drinks, got in a cab to "go home early" and headed to the Lower East Side to do karaoke with my best friends. Now, THAT is what I call a great Friday night.
Anyhow, here is a highlight from OK CUPID this week. I don't know what is better about the messages below, the fact that "his wifi was being weird and he didn't know if I got the first message" or the fact that "he really wants to go on a date with me" and he doesn't even know me. And yes, I got your first message. No need to call Time Warner.
I have lived in NYC for six and a half years. This month, I took the plunge and I finally traded in my Florida driver's license and got a New York one. Yes, I finally admitted that I live here. Jury duty here I come.
In the six and a half years that I have lived in NY, I have seen a lot. I have seen someone peeing in the middle of the street mid day, a man flashing his penis at several individuals as they got off a New York City bus at 10 am, I've seen a dead body, I've seen someone walking a goat... I've seen a lot. I thought that after living here for so long that maybe I had seen it all. Nope. Since I got my New York City license I have had a few New York City firsts....Which means that there are many many more to come.
TAKING A CAR SERVICE ALONE... WHILE ON A POT BROWNIE: A few weeks ago I ate a pot brownie at a concert, and jumped in a car service in Brooklyn to get home. Once in the car, I realized that I was alone, in a stranger's car in....duh duh duh... BROOKLYN. High on the green stuff, I convinced myself that he was kidnapping me and Google-mapped my entire way home to make sure he was taking me home and not to some Brooklyn rape dungeon. It wasn't until we pulled right in front of my building that I realized I was safe. Then I spent the next two hours convincing myself that now I had shown a criminal/rapist where I live and he's going to climb into my fire escape and get me. Yup, I'm never eating a pot brownie again.
PARTYING WITH MEDIEVAL TIMES: I went to a bar this weekend and at 10 pm, sixty people in crowns walked in. Turns out they just took a bus to Medieval Times for a 30th birthday. They all smelled like roasted chicken. It was amazing.
WENT TO A CAR WASH... WITH MY CAB DRIVER: This weekend I went out to dinner with some friends. I was running late, and the trains were all messed up so I decided to take a cab. "Broome street and Mulberry" I said, as he turned the car in the opposite direction and starting heading west towards the Hudson River. Not again, I thought (referring back to the rapist pot brownie situation). He turned the meter off and I thought, "This is it. All I wanted was to have pasta and a cannoli with the girls, and now this cab driver is going to ruin my carb loaded meal... and possibly kill me". That is when he made a sharp turn right into a car wash. Yup. He needed a car wash. So he pulled the car in, looked at me and said, "Two Minutes". Well, ten minutes and a lot of soap, suds and scrubbing later he looked at me and said, "nice and clean, just for you". I had had my first official car wash in NYC. I love New York.
Calling all HIPSTERS!!!! Or anyone with a big personality. Or anyone with a bad attitude. Or anyone who smokes pot. Or anyone who speaks loudly. Or any idiot in Brooklyn ever. Or anyone who knows what a hipster is. Or just anyone. Is this for serious? Hey casting directors, you are 100 years late. Don't you know that Williamsburg is for families and yuppies now? Get with the mothafucking PROGRAM. And go away. PLEASE go away.
On my first week on Ok Cupid, I went out with an accountant. COME ON! When will I ever go out with an accountant again!? I'm sorry, I had to do it. It was great. It was kind of like a science experiment.... a look into another world. It was like sitting at a bar with a nice, cute, sweet alien. And you know I don't usually do aliens but NEW YEAR, NEW ME right?
This online dating thing is weird, but I think it's a fun way to see how people behave and what people are like out there. And you can be anyone, do anything and it doesn't matter at all! So I plan to go out with anyone and everyone, and really spread my Oral Herpes around town. Do you like how I capitalized, Oral Herpes. I do.
Here one of my favorite Q & A's on someone's profile who has reached out to me:
Q: Would you leave an otherwise perfect relationship if you found out the partner was interested in children sexually?
A: I'm not sure.
Hmmm. I think he should be a little more sure don't you think? Maybe I'll go out with the child molester and see what he meant by "I'm not sure". I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't go on dates. Actually, dating makes me want to die a slow and painful death. So this year, I decided to face my fears head on and join the internet dating world. I am officially on Ok Cupid (or OK Stupid as I like to call it). I am going to go on so many dates. I am going to date everyone. Everyone! Mwa ha ha ha... Okay calm down.
I joined this week and who would have thought picking a name would be so damn difficult. After a week of obsessiving over the perfect name, I finally picked one. (No, I am not telling you what it is, you'll have to find me). These are a few names that I thought about using but they didn't make the cut:
FunnyRunner69, AmusingMuse69, TrottingTrollop69, BranchHands69, RebelRunner69, MagicMakersMark69, PunkRockPickle69, RainbowWrite69, Pocahontastic69
PrettyPenGodLoverPanangCurry69, PanangPrincess69, HahaHottie69
Let the dating begin!